The other day I was talking to this person who said your mind is like a steam furnace. It picks up pieces of information that aren’t whole and heats them up to form a cloud of vapour that tamper with your judgements and trigger your impulses so much so you enter into self destruct mode. You obsess over tiny little scenarios that your mind cook up with all the insufficient information your super vigilant untrustworthy self collects. You beat yourself up with this obsession where all you want is for the thing to happen your way or for you to disappear.
While, whatever he said was correct, the only thing he missed was, “This wasn’t always me.” That brought me to the question, how? How and when did I become who he was describing? This doesn’t sound like me. This girl, who obsesses over little things and beats herself to death running after them, is not me. This girl, who lives in her mind more than outside it, is not me. While I remember myself to be highly intuitive girl, I don’t remember when I became super vigilant, someone who notices even a flicker of change in a certain routine. I remember myself as the sensitive girl who feels deeply and loves wholeheartedly. I don’t remember when I became someone who puts condition on her love. But I guess he did open my eyes to something I had turned a blind eye to years ago. He did trigger something inside me with his words. He did give me some food for my thoughts to obsess over.
Last modified: February 15, 2021
